TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely away from position. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have An additional put wherever American Adult men can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide Every person a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following finding the developing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to create of Trump Tower Damascus this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "exactly where's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting awareness from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down company."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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